Same-Sex Divorce in New York State

Just like Nirvana and Nine Inch Nails, I was into LGBT law WAY before it was cool. When the firm opened our doors in 2002 we were among the first in New York to seek out LGBT clients and to help educate the public regarding the myriad of complexities facing same-sex couples seeking to dissolve their relationships. We held poorly advertised, yet packed seminars on “Gay and Lesbian Legal Issues” at an Episcopal church. We handed out purple balloons with the firm’s logo at the first Rockland Pride event in Nyack, New York.

Back then, when a same-sex couple was dissolving their relationship the Courts weren’t sure what to do. Some Judges applied simple property theory (“Whose name is the house in? Okay…it’s his house.”) Some Judges applied strict contract principles (“Who provided the funds for the house? Was there a written agreement? Okay…it’s her house.”)

Some avant garde Judges applied the Business Corporation Law and tried to treat the failed relationship like a two partners splitting up a business (“Who paid for the house? Who fixed up the house and kept it maintained Who tended to the rose garden? Okay…they’re splitting it 50/50″). Some Judges just scratched their heads and wistfully pondered the prospect of retirement and the promise of yelling at children who dare step on their lawns.

I remember arguing a custody case for a transgender client who didn’t want to face an impossible choice: lose your children or lose your authentic self. I had to explain the difference between a transsexual and transgender to literally every individual working on the case (the Court Officers, the Court reporter, the Judge, the attorney appointed to the children) and I didn’t have Caitlyn Jenner to help explain.

We were into LGBT law back when it wasn’t even a thing to be into. Now there are whole firms that focus, and advertise primarily to that market. Oh, the times… they are a’ changin’. I remember speaking at the “Lavender Law” conference at Fordham Law School back in 2005 on a panel regarding mediation and alternate dispute resolution for same-sex couples. I warned those in attendance of what a “roll of the dice” taking a same-sex case to court was in the then- current cultural climate. I ended my presentation on a hopeful note. I told the attendees that same-sex marriage was coming. In our lifetime. It was inevitable.

There have been many recent victories for same-sex marriage, with the institution now recognized as legal in 36 states (although there is plenty of variation on how it works, and some states have flip-flopped on the legality over the years).

Seventy percent of Americans now live in a place where they can legally be married to someone of the same sex, a fantastic step towards equality. Here in New York, same-sex marriage is legal, which means same-sex partnerships should enjoy all the rights and privileges heterosexual couples do, including the right to divorce if need be.

Same-sex divorce is certainly less talked about in the media, because who wants to be the Debbie Downer at the party? Hooray, what a great day for America! By the way, after all that joy and celebrating and the vows and the big party and gifts and everything, don’t forget, divorce is also now part of your equality, if and when things go south! Less celebratory, sure, but it certainly
doesn’t make sense for same-sex couples to be trapped
in unhappy marriages.

Divorce as an Equal Rights Issue
Marriage and divorce laws vary state by state of course, but basically they’re pretty similar for hetero couples. This means if you get married in New Hampshire, move to Washington state, and settle down in Arizona and want to get divorced there, your rights as a married couple were essentially identical throughout that whole journey, as one would hope.

But same-sex partnerships face uncertainty because same-sex marriage is still legally very new. Because it is recognized differently in different states, how to get divorced where you currently live —or in a state where it was legal but now isn’t—can be a problem. How can people divorce if they’re not recognized as married? If you can’t easily obtain a divorce, how do you move on with your life? Particularly if it’s not an amicable split, how do you enforce the equitable division of assets and deal with custody arrangements?

Going even further, how can the length of a relationship be defined in places where same-sex couples were waiting for marriage to be legalized in their state? On principle it seems that time should be counted when determining equitable division of assets based on the time spent in a marital relationship—even if it wasn’t legal marriage.

Divorcing for Nontraditional or Same-Sex Couples
As states are still get their footing and new laws are enacted, in all likelihood you’re going to have more red tape and hurdles than heterosexual couples have. Thankfully, rockstars like Susan Sommer are making huge inroads. She championed legalizing divorces of same-sex couples who had been married in other states where same-sex marriage wasn’t previously legal. Until there are dozens of Susan Sommers around the country paving the way for streamlined same-sex divorce laws, it’s important you be prepared for what might be more complicated proceedings compared to your heterosexual divorcing counterparts.

The climate is changing – as highlighted in this year’s NYC Pride theme: Complete the Dream – and in fact just last week the Texas Supreme Court upheld a same-sex divorce despite the fact that the state does not (yet!) recognize same-sex marriage. A day will come when it sounds strange for a lawyer to make a distinction between “gay divorce” and “heterosexual divorce.” Our children’s children won’t remember a time when two men or two women in a marriage was relevant to anything other than what pronouns you used in your arguments.

Until then it’s a good move to trust your case to a firm like mine, that has handled a large number of same-sex dissolutions and divorces. A firm that was “into” LGBT legal issues before it was cool.

Happy Pride Week!

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

The Five Stages of a Break-Up: The Playlist

Breakups are hard. Divorces, even the friendliest ones, can be like breakups on steroids.

That first love who broke up with you two weeks before prom – that hurt – badly. Now imagine she took your house or you have to see him every week when he picks up your kids who tell you about his new girlfriend “Kiki” who used to be their babysitter.

Luckily, there’s pop music to help guide us through the five stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (the Kübler-Ross model — not just for death anymore!). Yes, that’s right. You can turn your pain into one epic musical reenactment.

Denial
This can’t possibly be happening. No Doubt’s Don’t Speak speaks to you on every level. Karen O’s pleading in the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Maps hits you in the gut. Maybe this isn’t happening. Maybe this is all a terrible dream. Maybe we can fix this if we just ignore the situation for the rest of our lives. Maybe denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, maybe it’s a coping mechanism you’re using to keep from shattering into a million pieces.

Anger
Denial gives way to anger because who do they think they are dumping you? How dare they?! You howl along to Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me A River. You pogo to The Clash’s Train in Vain and pray no one ever, ever sees you dancing like this. You drink two gallons of wine and clear an entire karaoke place with your rendition of Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know. Sullen and alone you do The Supremes’ You Keep Me Hanging On as an encore. You try to hail a cab by bellowing Fiona Apple’s Criminal. No cabs stop for you. You cannot remember how you get home.

Bargaining
The hangover is bad. The anger has given way to desperation. Maybe they’ll take you back. Maybe there’s some sort of deal you can work out with the universe. Please Please Please, you beg along with The Smiths. Stay, you implore along with Lisa Loeb. When Can I See You, you blubber with Babyface. You force yourself out of the house. You look terrible.

Depression
You pick up take out. You see a familiar silhouette through the window at the bar on your corner. Only, it’s not one silhouette, it’s two. It can’t be. Oh you’d rather poke out your eyes than be witness to this. I’d Rather Go Blind by Etta James carries you home the rest of the way. You unpack your dinner. They gave you two forks. Two. Welcome to depression. You’re Crying with Roy Orbison. All Saints knows you’ve Never Ever felt so low. Blur knows there’s No Distance Left to Run. You Fall to Pieces with Patsy Cline. For your own safety you steer clear of more Smiths but can’t stay away from The Cure. You cry and cry listening to Pictures of You on repeat. During the first few bars of Roxette’s It Must Have Been Love, your neighbor knocks on your door to check that you’re alright. You promise them you’re ok but Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me begs to differ. You fall asleep to Love Is A Losing Game by Amy Winehouse.

Acceptance
Morning has broken. A sliver of light is peaking through the blinds. A new day has begun. You’re crawling out from under the depression/duvet and you feel almost alive again. You stand up. You feel the tiniest bit lighter. You stand up a little straighter. Katy Perry starts singing Roar and you think about putting on a flower crown, but it’s a Monday and you work in a bank not a beer stand at Coachella. You walk to the office. Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive echoes in your head. Charli XCX’s Breaking Up puts a spring in your step and you realize you’re better off without them.Your head is clearer. You want a sandwich. The journey is complete.*

**The journey will take longer than a weekend. The journey has been edited and condensed to give you hope that you won’t be miserable for six months to two years.**

**You may be miserable for six months to two years. The hope may be a lie.**

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

About the Disney Princess Divorce Open Letters

Dear Friends,

For those of you who faithfully read the Disney Princess Open Letters, thank you, and I hope that you were mildly entertained. I think it’s important to stress that my purpose in writing them was not to demonize any of the Disney Princesses per se, but rather to use them as really interesting case studies for understanding how divorces can get ugly, and what you can do to stop that happening, or at least limit it. It helps that the Disney franchise is more or less built on shaky marriages, but that’s another story for another time.

I also wanted to draw attention to some of the common issues that normal, non-animated people face as they prepare for a divorce: what to pay attention to, what to look out for, how to get your ducks in a row so you don’t get screwed.

I admit I also enjoyed thinking up what life would be like if the Disney princesses had “real” marriages, or ones that could have realistically resulted from what the movies depict. It just makes them more likable somehow.

Those of you who read will have noticed that I took some liberties with the princesses and their “happily ever after” lives. For those people to whom it’s important that the princesses and their princes stay happy forever and ever, I hope I haven’t offended you with my interpretation. I also hope you remember me when you decide it’s time to file for divorce because your own Prince Charming is buggering the scullery maid. Just kidding. That’s isn’t going to happen to you.

Also, don’t forget all the ones I didn’t write to; in large part, the princesses who didn’t appear are the ones I think might have figured out how to make it all work. Pocahontas? She didn’t get married in her movie, but I’m betting she’s marriage material. Mulan? She’ll find a nice man or woman to be with and live realistically ever after. There’s even hope for those Frozen kids. (Hey, I have kids, I know my Disney movies.)

For legal reasons, I need to point out that the Open Letters are not in any way affiliated with Disney, or Disney World, or even Pixar. I am strictly my own man on this front. A man who likes writing to Disney princesses.

In a way, it’s bad for my profession that the Disney empire is gradually learning to set a better example for kids about marriage maybe NOT being the ultimate goal of life. In another generation or so, I’m guessing the legal profession will take a bit of hit as kids stop internalizing the fairy tale idea that love conquers all, a gem that drives adult people through the first, sometimes second and even third marriages before it dawns on them that, no, actually, it doesn’t.

But thanks for keeping me in suspenders, Disney—for now.

I should also note that while I haven’t yet counseled any actual princesses, I have represented and counseled a lot of people who had essentially identical problems, minus the talking mice. If you found a smidgen of relatability in anything I’ve said and you want to find out what your options are, I’m available for that.

And if you think I went a little hard on Ariel, don’t be intimidated. She did get her divorce in the end, and while she didn’t walk away minted, she did get to keep all her thingamabobs.

Respectfully,
James J Sexton

An Open Letter to Princess Jasmine: Don't Get Taken for a Magic Carpet Ride

Dear Princess Jasmine,

I’m a little more pleased than I like to admit that I’m becoming the divorce attorney of choice for the Disney princesses. I’m glad that Cinderella referred you, that you’re happy enough to allow me to share your situation with the public, and most of all, that you’re leaving the ranks of the Real Housewives of Disney for something more fulfilling. My congratulations to you on that, and let’s begin.

Intelligently—and this doesn’t surprise me, Princess Jasmine—you arranged for a prenuptial agreement before your marriage to Aladdin. Thank you for including a copy of said prenup, which, as you informed me, does indeed ensures that in the event of divorce you will of course keep everything that you had before you married Aladdin, regardless of how those assets may have been shared during the marriage. That means no problem keeping the palace, your pet tiger, and your various royal riches. Ace. Your prenup also stipulates that as long as the sum of your assets are substantially greater than Aladdin’s, upon your divorce he’ll be provided with a monthly allowance, so that he isn’t forced to go back to the streets, begging and stealing. All very generous.

However, you came to me with a problem that you didn’t foresee at the time you wrote the prenup, and that’s what I’m really here to advise on. The problem is that Aladdin’s assets now might actually exceed yours—and by his “assets,” I’m referring now to the income from Aladdin’sillegitimate business, which, contrary to what you expected to happen, has grown exponentially since you dragged him out of poverty. Over the years, Aladdin has used his improved financial situation along with his natural talent as a con man to rise through the ranks of Agrabah organized crime. He is now an extremely powerful, and extremely well-paid, professional criminal. Tax-free. And now he wants to cash in on the spousal support from you as if he has no other income. Not with me as your lawyer.

This is how what we’re going to prove what Aladdin’s actual earnings are, rather than relying on tax records to tell the whole story.

Lesson 1: Show that the numbers don’t add up.

First, all the bills—mortgage, car payments, bank statements, credit card bills and what have you—need to be examined, and subpoenaed where necessary.

Once we have all this, we can probably show fairly easily that what Aladdin was spending, and what you were giving him from the palace accounts, don’t match up—essentially, that if Aladdin’s expenses were 10,000 gold coins per month and his royal allowance was only 6,000 gold coins, then he had another 4,000 gold coins coming in from somewhere.

Lesson 2: Find out what he’s hiding from you.

Considering Aladdin’s history of conning people. That in mind, I’m sure he’s been conning you, too, Jasmine—if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this business, it’s that Disney princes never change. (It’s true; very little character development for men in Disney films.) Once a con man, always a con man, so it’s time to uncover his hidden treasures.

(I’m not talking about what Aladdin’s really been doing when he locks himself in the bathroom and says he’s “rubbing the lamp”—I’m talking about his hidden assets.)

We can subpoena bank statements in Aladdin’s name that might contain money he’s not reporting, and that you might not know about. We can also do a public records check to find out about any reported assets he hasn’t told you about, as well as any that pop up in the names of his friends, like the Genie. This is how we figure out where and how Aladdin has been siphoning off the palace fortune to purchase assets (which technically belong to you or both of you). You might be about to win treasure you never knew you had, Jasmine.

If you can enlist mutual friends to help with the search, you might consider it. Abu has been at Aladdin’s side for years, vastly unappreciated too, and he knows where the bodies are buried—I would start there.

Lesson 3: Argue for Aladdin’s earning capacity.

Even though your “diamond in the rough” turned out to be a con man in the truest sense, there’s a potential silver lining in that you might be able to use Aladdin’s con artist skills—his charisma, selling ability, his political charm—as reasons why he is extremely employable and is not and should not be, as he claims he is, entirely dependent on your wealth in the event of your divorce. At this point, we’re not arguing for his financial or property assets; we’re really discussing his skills as assets in themselves.

The Genie, oddly enough, is also a sort of asset for Aladdin; we might be able to argue this. While technically not Aladdin’s property nor indebted to him any longer, the Genie remains a powerful being who can make things happen for Aladdin (and, from the sounds of it, frequently does). Your husband is a man whose best friend has the ability to turn paupers into princes—does he really need monthly support payments from his ex-wife? Let’s discuss.

The great thing about your situation, Jasmine, is that you thought ahead, and you’re not going to get as screwed in this divorce as most of the Disney princesses will, because you got a prenup.

I hold you up as a shining example for married people everywhere, especially women; it’s not for nothing that you were named 5th Most Feminist Disney Princess by Nerve Magazine (a high honor if there ever was one).

No genies or wishes required, Princess Jasmine, just a prenup and a good lawyer. And I won’t even make a dirty joke about your Cave of Wonders.

Respectfully,

James J Sexton

An Open Letter to Ariel: You're Going to Lose the Divorce

Dear Ariel,

Many thanks for writing to me, adding to my growing knowledge of the inner lives of the “happily ever after” folk, and giving me a chance to comment on your situation. First let me say that while I appreciate your desire to “get in on this open letter thing,” and I’m happy to provide advice on your imminent divorce, I fear you may not be happy about what I’m going to say. Still, yours is a situation that will potentially be informative for others, so here goes.

As you wrote in your letter, after two decades of marriage to Prince Eric, you’ve decided you want to divorce him. However, the facts of your life together may make it difficult for you to get what you feel you deserve, in terms of division of marital assets. You say you’d like to keep half of everything, based on the fact that you gave up your fins and your livelihood as a sea princess to be a wife to Prince Eric.

Personally, I think it’s fairly obvious that you are not going to get what you’re aiming for, for a number of reasons I’ll explain now. It should be noted that, of the reasons below, alone none of them would necessarily bar you from getting something—but taken together, they present a fairly hopeless case. (Ie. These are some pretty big mistakes; readers, take note.)

Lesson 1. The prenup should be updated and/or include an elevation clause.

You have a habit of signing your life away, Ariel, and this is what it appears you did in your prenuptial agreement. After going over the copy of your prenuptial agreement that you faxed, I can see that it does not allow for you to receive half of the marital assets, as you’ve said you want, but rather allots to you a monthly stipend (roughly equal to what you currently spend on self-tanning and pedicures). In the case of infidelity, says the prenup, you get nothing.

It would have made sense for you and Prince Eric to update the prenuptial agreement at some point in the last two decades to reflect your spending and lifestyle as these increased over the course of your marriage. It also would have benefited you to have built a percentage increase in your allowance based on the number of years spent together (known as an elevation clause) into the contract. However, you did neither of these things, so in the event of divorce you’ll theoretically be back to the monthly allowance that made sense when you were sixteen.

Lesson 2. Know what’s going on with your house finances.

Ariel, you said in your letter that you don’t deal with any of the financial matters. You know next to nothing about monthly bills and outgoings, accounts held jointly with Prince Eric, or the state of joint assets. (You did mention you keep a very detailed catalogue of your “treasure trove” of secondhand forks and spoons—unfortunately I feel this will be of little value in the divorce.) While I can help you to get hold of some of the relevant information, you’ll be in a disadvantaged position.

I’m guessing it’s rather difficult to feel empowered in a clamshell bra, but as a modern human, Ariel, you should make a point of understanding your finances. As it is now, you don’t have a leg to stand on, so to speak, when it comes to arguing for more money.

For the same reason, you should be aware of what mutual assets are in your name, if any, and if not, you should start putting things in your name—cars, summer house, what have you. Then you would be able to argue for at least these things, irrespective of the prenup.

Lesson 3: Don’t cheat.

Now we’re down to the most difficult issue of all, and the one I was indeed most surprised to see you bring up in your letter, especially one you knew would get a public response: your infidelity.

The long and short of it is that, suffering from a feeling that the “seaweed is always greener” as you put it, you’ve found it difficult to save your upgraded lady parts for Prince Eric alone. In the early years of your marriage this wasn’t such an issue—you had gadgets and gizmos aplenty, you say—eventually, you wanted more.

While you haven’t yet been caught, Ariel, you’re right to be worried that somehow it will come out—and the longer it goes on, the more you raise that risk. As for how that affects the prenup, there will be very little room to argue for a cent if there is any evidence of you cheating. Not only are you not going to get the optimistic half of everything that you want, you’re not going to get anything at all.

My advice to you, Ariel is this: Stay married, or else be ready to leave with nothing.

This isn’t advice I give often, but in your case, you have committed the golden trinity of mistakes: bad prenup, no financial involvement, and infidelity. In a phrase: You lose.

I feel for you, don’t get more wrong. The Disney franchise compelled you to get married at the age of 16, as they do. This isn’t just an epidemic of Disney princesses: getting married too young is a mistake you share with thousands. So is giving up your entire life and livelihood for another person—again, a mistake made by many people who come into my offices, usually female people.

The problem with making big commitments, like marriage, at a young age is that you believe the future will take care of itself, when in fact, it often doesn’t. That’s why, in my opinion, marriages between people over 28 are at least 3 times as likely not to end in divorce: you get to a certain point where you realize planning is important.

That’s not to say you can’t divorce Prince Eric; you can still divorce him, certainly. But you are likely to leave the marriage with, at best, a stipend, and that means a change of lifestyle.

Thank you again for the opportunity to use the hard-earned lessons of your fairytale marriage – and fairytale divorce – to educate the masses.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

An Open Letter to Snow White: Alimony, Custody, and Child Support for the Dwarves

Dear Snow White,

Thank you for reaching out to me.

I expect you got wind of my recent open letter to Cinderella, and that’s why you got in touch. While I was sorry to hear about your marital troubles, I’m simultaneously honored to be of service to the original Disney princess (and the star of the first ever animated feature film), and of course I’m happy to assist you.

(Also, many thanks for allowing me to do so in this public form of address. As you so aptly pointed out in your letter, perhaps indeed there’s something in it that can be of use to others in a similar situation.)

This is my understanding of the situation, Snow White: you are a cheerful, nurturing, positive woman whose extreme naivete has essentially led you down the garden path with a partner who was perhaps never set up for the domestic life you love. Beyond this, you’re in an even more precarious position because you have a family of little ones to consider, that is, the dwarves.

The dwarves are central here. It seems many have misunderstood your relationship with the dwarves, seeing you as a bit of a house-wench when in fact you have been for all intents and purposes their mother figure. You say this remained through the first years of your marriage to the man we’ll simply refer to as The Prince, that in fact early in your marriage he was not only an excellent father to the dwarves, no easy task when some of them were twice his age, he even legally adopted them as his own children.

However, as your marriage deteriorated, so apparently did The Prince’s investment in your family, and now you feel you would all be better off to return to the way things were before you awoke from that fated coma to find The Prince attached to your face. In other words, you want a divorce.

Now you need to ensure that if you get this divorce, you’ll have the resources to continue looking after the dwarves, and to do so as the primary caregiver.

Here is my advice to you, Snow White.

Lesson 1: Be certain you’re the more capable parent.

When it comes to getting custody, the primary concern of the court is going to be the best interest of the child. In short, which parent is the better parent? Your first job is to make sure that you are, in fact, the better parent.

Now, Snow White, I can see with you that this is certainly the case. Your recounting of the recent occurrence of The Prince coming home drunk after two many tankards of mead and challenging Grumpy to a duel for allegedly staining his tights, which ended in fisticuffs—well, I took your hint that this wasn’t the first time, and surely won’t be the last. This alone suggests that it’s you, rather than The Prince, who is more suited to look after the dwarves.

So too does your assertion that the care of the dwarves, in particular Dopey with his special needs, fell almost entirely to you. The truth is, YOU were the one who got up every morning and sang the dwarves awake. YOU were the one who packed their lunches for work, did their laundry, and cleaned up after them as well as after The Prince. You waited and waited for your prince to come, and when he arrived, he turned out to be less of a rescuer than he was an addition to your daily chores; you have had the equivalent of seven children (or seven husbands), a position few would envy.

Since you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting, Snow White, you need to be ready to remind the court of that, over and over.

Lesson 2: Take note of your financial sacrifices.

It’s important to understand that, by taking on the majority of the domestic duties in your home, including caring for the dwarves and The Prince, you effectively sacrificed your prime earning years, decreasing your lifetime earning capacity in a way that is unlikely to be rectified. In short, you’re never going to get those years back, and as such you will have to get on the career ladder at a lower rung, later in life, if indeed you can get back on at all.

You will never be able to make the income that you would have made, had you not married The Prince. As you yourself pointed out, when you met The Prince you were well on your way to earning an online Master’s in Counseling, and only stopped your studies at his request that you “relax and focus on domestic duties” instead. Had you continued, at this point you would likely be financially independent. But because The Prince insisted you didn’t need a profession, you gave up your earning capacity.

As such, in your divorce you ought to be compensated for your sacrifice in the form of alimony, just as The Prince’s practical contribution to the dwarves’ welfare should be accounted for in the form of child support.

Lesson 3: Do good PR.

It has to be said, Snow White, that while your innocence and grace have made many fall in love with you, unfortunately these attributes have to take a back burner in the coming months. Indeed you have to develop just a pinch of the main thing you lack, that your wicked stepmother had in spades: that is chutzpah, Snow White, in common usage, which in reality usually simply means a willingness to stand up for your own interests.

As I see it, Snow White, you haven’t been so great at doing your own PR so far. Now it’s time to buckle down and stand up for your character, and you will probably have to do this by contrasting it, in court, to the deficiencies in your partner’s character. We’ve discussed the things you should highlight that you’ve done right. What about what he’s done wrong? It will feel a bit vulgar, but trust me, don’t be Bashful.

Consider the case of Shrek. He wasn’t the best father figure, as it turned out, and the messy divorce between him and Fiona was made so mostly by what came out about his parenting: everything from his lack of basic hygiene to his tendencies to disappear for days to the infamous driving around with a baby in his lap. As a result of the unpleasant coming out of these details, however, Fiona got custody of their children and rightly so.

It’s also worth mentioning the uncomfortable historical details around how The Prince “rescued” you from your coma, when you were fourteen and he was a ripe thirty-six. Allowed in fairytale times, this isn’t going to fly as normal in the New York courts. And while we’re on the subject, it’s also to be considered that The Prince, back on that day, effectively came across what would have appeared to be an attractive corpse in the woods—that being you—and started making out with it. This raises another red flag, this one more related to his mental health and perhaps odd sexual habits.

I’ll help you be at the ready with everything you feel can and should be used, Snow White, to show who The Prince really is.

Lesson 4: Be prepared to argue for limited visitation, if you so wish.

While I think you’ll have no problem getting custody based on the above, then the terms of that custody, for example, the rights of The Prince to visit the dwarves and continue to be a part of your lives, will be the next issue to resolve.

It’s my guess that The Prince is will argue for visitation rights. While he might not care about visiting Grumpy, but he will certainly, it sounds like to me, argue for the right to see Happy, Dopey, Bashful, etc., based on what you’ve said about their mostly pleasant relationship. And he is likely to get visitation, because he is a legal guardian of the dwarves at the time of your divorce.

Visitation can range from short, supervised visits to weekend-long visits with the non-custodial parent; to keep this on a tight rein, you’ll need to be prepared to argue against The Prince’s capacity as a parent. What you want to do is keep the visitation minimal and under your control—and you can potentially allow more, when and if it suits you.

Snow White, here is the bottom line, as I see it.

In terms of custody, you’re in a great position; you’re the better parent.

In terms of alimony, you’re also in a good position. So too for child support. With The Prince’s considerable financial assets, you can hit him hard.

Maybe that makes you feel guilty, but frankly, you’ve put up with more than your fair share of hardship. Just because you took a bite of the proverbial apple when you married the The Prince, doesn’t mean you should be punished indefinitely; there must be a statute of limitations on kissing someone out of a coma, and my sense is that your debt is well paid. At this point, you shouldn’t be left without adequate and deserved financial support for yourself and the dwarves.

I’m ready to get you what you deserve, and trust me, it’s a lot.

I urge you to be ready to combine your wholesome work ethic (that has doubtless been the first inspiration for what are now literally thousands of single mothers) with a dash of your stepmother’s poison … The big lesson here, Snow White? Don’t be afraid to let your chutzpah show.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

An Open Letter to Cinderella: How to Divorce Prince Charming

Dear Cinderella,

You might be surprised that I’m writing you this letter, considering that you are one of the world’s most prominent examples of a happy marriage. But, as a seasoned divorce attorney, I’ve learned to spot the ones whose marriages are on the way out—and frankly, Cinderella, I’ve seen that look in your eye.

You probably don’t want to admit it. You’re probably thinking, If I get a divorce from Prince Charming, will I be letting the world down? Will I be disillusioning thousands, nay millions of little girls whose dreams of finding fairy tale romance hinge on my prime example? Cinderella, we can only hope.

With this in mind, I’m going to advise you now as if you had wandered into my office, impractical shoes and all, asking “How do I divorce Prince Charming?”

Lesson One: Get a prenup.
I’m not going to sugar-coat this, Cinderella: You, like most ill-advised Disney princesses,
have been operating under the assumption that a Prince will make you happy. I’m guessing based on the fact that you were roughly sixteen when you got married, and your decision to marry was doubtless driven by a desire to escape a life of indentured servitude, you were probably more focused on racing to a life of bliss than on arranging a prenup.

Prince Charming has substantial assets, and this was probably part of the attraction. But,
as you’ll find out in the process of divorcing him, the Prince’s assets—his royal inheritance etc.—are “pre-marital assets” that you won’t have any claim to. Thus, like so many women, you were in a financially disadvantaged position at the start of the marriage, you assumed you shouldn’t ask for a prenup, and now you are at a financial disadvantage when you want to end the marriage.

This probably seems unfair, considering you’ve spent your life looking after Prince Charming and your royal children, smiling and waving when you’re supposed to, fulfilling your responsibilities, even indulging his sexual fantasies of having you dress up like a house wench and tickle his feet with your feather-duster—even with all that, now you’re left in a position where you probably can’t touch his royal monies. Such is New York law.

Lesson Two: Commingle your assets.
My advice to you is to get some of it for yourself by commingling your assets. In effect, commingling assets means mixing joint money, or your personal accounts (for example what you get from renting your father’s house to those wicked stepsisters of yours) with your husband’s inherited money. The idea is to make it difficult for Prince Charming’s lawyers to show clear separation of accounts in the court.

In short: open a joint bank account. Make big financial outlays (country house, jewels, angel investment in a Talking Mouse Circus) using mixed moneys. Avoid making big joint purchases from your husband’s inherited funds whenever possible, because you won’t have any claim to those in the divorce. And so on.

Contrary to the general belief among legendary damsels in distress, marrying royalty isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. Without a prenup and without commingling your assets, frankly it doesn’t matter that you caught him in three different broom closets with three different scullery maids last year; his pre-marital assets are still likely to stay with him.

Cinderella, you understand the complications of the fairy tale marriage; you, more than anyone, know what it really means to live “happily ever after.” I urge you to take that knowledge, along with your glass slippers and your wits, to the bank.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Eight Things You May Not Know About Divorce Law In New York State

If you’ve begun to consider a divorce but are unsure of how to get started, or what the laws in New York regarding divorce are, I’ve put together a quick list of the basics that should help. You can also see my other post on child custody and visitation. Please feel free to contact me to discuss your situation.

You Can File for Divorce in New York If:
• You and your spouse were married in New York, and at least one of you has been a resident of New York for at least a year,
• You and your spouse resided in New York as husband and wife, and at least one of you has been a resident of New York at least a year,
• The grounds for divorce occurred in New York, and at least one of you has been a resident of New York for at least a year, or
• At least one of you has been a resident of New York for at least two years immediately before the start of the divorce.

“Fault” & “No-Fault” Divorce: 
New York recognizes both “fault” and “no-fault” grounds for divorce. In a “fault” divorce, one spouse will claim that the other spouse engaged in misconduct leading to the divorce.

“Fault” grounds in New York include:
• Cruel and inhuman treatment (mental or physical abuse),
• Abandonment,
• Imprisonment for three or more years, and
• Adultery.

Grounds for a “no-fault” divorce include:
• The “irretrievable breakdown” of the marriage, and
• Living apart for a period of one or more years, before or after a legal separation agreement.

 “Contested” & “Uncontested” Divorce: 
• “Contested” divorce means that there are critical issues in your divorce that you and your spouse haven’t been able to resolve, either with or without the help of lawyers and mediators.
• “Uncontested” means that you agree to all the important terms of your divorce. You’ve decided where your children will live and what the visitation schedule will be, you’ve agreed to the terms of alimony and child support, and you know how you want to divide your property.

A Few More Helpful Facts: 
• You can represent yourself in divorce proceedings, although this isn’t always a good idea, particularly if you are unsure of the law, or if you have complex financial or custody issues to consider. Divorces with concerns of child custody, property division, and spousal support can be especially complex.
• Paperwork filed in divorce court in New York is not public. This includes pleadings, affidavits, findings of fact, conclusions of law, judgments of dissolution, and written agreements of separation.
• While New York plaintiffs are entitled to a jury trial, the only issue that a jury can decide on is the grounds for the divorce.

While this covers the basics of New York divorce law, it’s highly likely that you will benefit by seeking legal counsel before you begin divorce proceedings. If you’d like to discuss your particular situation, please feel free to contact me.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Six Ideas For an Awesome Divorce Party

In recent years the idea of having a “divorce party” has come into fashion, so I thought I’d give my two cents on the subject.

First of all, what is a Divorce Party? While it seems that perhaps divorce is something sad, in fact a large number of the newly divorced are finding it a worthwhile reason to go out with their friends and get totally empowered. We’re talking empowered to the point at which it’s difficult to walk in a straight line or even stand up.

While the divorce party can apparently take many forms, universally among internet websites about divorce parties it’s said to be a cathartic experience, in which the newly divorced are so distracted from their pain by the presence of strippers, cake, and/or the song “Survivor” playing in the background, that the pain feels—at least momentarily—expunged.

The aptly-named DivorcePartyIdeas.com suggests getting oneself a divorce party theme such as “Butterfly” (to emphasise transformation), “Naughty Girl” (to highlight freedom from marital monogamy) or “Lemons” (to emphasize one’s ability to, as they say, make lemonade). I would here like to present some alternative options.

1. Jaws. 
A Jaws-themed divorce party is sure to excite, while also reminding you and your guests that, while you may have just suffered a huge grief-inducing loss, it could be worse: you could have had your arm chewed off by a giant mechanical shark.

2. Brownies and Beer. 
This theme involves people showing their support in the form of alcohol, baked goods, and a total absence of conversation about anything health- or fitness-related for the duration.

3. Sweatpants.
The sweatpants theme provides a dress code for you and your guests that smacks of comfort, relaxation, and post-divorce rest. It also saves you from having to change out of your current uniform.

4. Therapy Fundraiser.
A useful alternative to drinking your life savings away, the Therapy Fundraiser gives your friends the opportunity to show they care about your long-term mental health by donating to your Therapy Fund.

5. Go to Las Vegas.
Less a theme than a directive, this needs very little explanation, I would think, as Vegas itself is essentially one giant divorce party. The main drawback of going to Vegas to celebrate your divorce is that you do run the risk of celebrating yourself right back into marriage if you’re not careful, but this time with a relative stranger or, worse, a good friend. If this happens, call me.

6. Go Away, I’m Depressed.

The most honest of divorce party themes, this is for those who don’t actually want to have a divorce party at all, but have been harangued into it by their well-meaning yet clueless friends.

As your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I’ll add the disclaimer here that, whatever the theme of your divorce party, it’s probably best to wait until your divorce is signed and sealed before you celebrate. It’s also worth saying that for this particular occasion you might be safest to avoid filming, photographing, and/or drunk texting at whatever cost.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

15 Things You Might Not Know About Prenups In New York State

If you’re considering arranging a prenuptial agreement in New York, you should be aware of the legal issues around them. I’ve compiled an overview of the basics below. For a more in-depth look at your particular situation, please feel free to contact me to discuss.

Prenuptial Agreements in New York State

1. A prenuptial agreement (also known as an antenuptial agreement), is a contract entered into by two members of a legal marriage that usually describes the rights of each party upon death or divorce. This often relates to matters of finance and property.

2. A prenup often serves the interests of both parties, rather than only one party as is commonly perceived. For example, if one partner wishes to ensure the other receives more than they may be entitled to under New York law.

3. You should consider a prenuptial agreement if:

• You would like to clarify expectations upon the event of death or divorce
• You would like to be protected against loss of finance in the event of death or divorce, such as particular assets, a business, etc.
• You have a desire to pass on certain assets to children or grandchildren resulting from earlier marriages,
• You have children and would like to manage custody issues in the event of divorce through contractual means, or
• You wish to manage your finances through your own contractual agreements rather than by the state, in the case of either death or divorce.

4. In New York, without a prenuptial agreement the court will divide the property in a way that is considered equitable, which may be dividing it down the middle.

5. In New York, without a prenuptial agreement, if one spouse dies, courts typically follow the will of the deceased, although the surviving spouse is usually entitled to at least one half of the estate even if this goes against the will. A prenuptial agreement would circumvent this.

6. For a prenuptial agreement to be valid, it must be in writing, signed, and orally acknowledged before an authorized person as well as certified in writing.

7. Contrary to the name, prenups can also be entered into when a couple is already married.

8. In many cases, the less wealthy spouse will receive less under the prenuptial agreement than he/she would receive under the usual laws of divorce or wills, but they may also receive more, depending upon the agreement made.

9. An “escalator clause” in a prenup states an increase in the amount of assets or support given to the less wealthy spouse dependent on the length of the marriage or income following the agreement.

10. A lawyer is typically used in arranging a prenuptial agreement, usually employed by the wealthier party. While the less wealthy partner isn’t required to have legal representation, this is also advised, as the agreement is more likely to be enforceable if back-and-forth negotiations occur prior to the final agreement.

11. New York public policy strongly favors individuals deciding their own interests through contractual arrangements, even if this leaves one spouse with no property or support. For this reason, it is important for both parties to represent their interests in negotiations.

12. While child support issues can be treated in a prenup, the court is not bound by these and they will serve mainly as points of consideration.

13. The agreement must be considered fair and reasonable at the time of making, and cannot be considered unconscionable at the time of final entry of judgment.

14. If one spouse misleads the other concerning assets or finances, the prenup would be considered invalid.

15. If one spouse exerts excessive pressure on the other to obtain signing of the agreement, it may be rendered invalid. This is a reason to create a prenup well before the marriage date, as ones entered into on, for example, the day before a wedding would be subject to investigation of duress.

While this covers the basics of New York prenuptial agreements, it’s highly likely that you will benefit by seeking legal counsel on these matters. If you’d like to discuss your particular situation, please feel free to contact me.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Who Gets the Pets?

The New York law has been changing around pet issues for several years now, with courts, and pet owners, increasingly treating pets like family rather than like property in divorce proceedings. I’m in full support, as you can imagine, having my pup, Huckleberry, as a big reminder that pets are people too.

In New York and across the US, it’s mattering less and less whose name is on the dog owner’s certificate, if indeed you have one, because pets aren’t subject to the rules of property division anymore. Basically, much like custody matters work with children, decisions are going to be made based on the best interest of the pet.

This also means that the courts can and have awarded shared custody, visitation, and alimony payments relative to pet ownership in New York courts. If you love your dog or horse or snake like it’s your own baby and believe it would be better off with you, here are the things you need to be prepared to argue for in divorce proceedings.

• The major care of the pet. Which partner has been the one providing more of the day-to-day care of the pet, including managing basic needs (food, water, scooping poo, etc.) as well as emotional needs (affection)?

• Financial means to support the pet. Pets can be expensive, especially if something goes wrong, or if it’s a big pet that eats a lot, or if it’s an exotic pet or a special needs pet. (Yes, I said special needs pet.) Which partner is able to support the pet financially?

• Time to spend with the pet. Does one of you work significantly longer hours than the other? If so, it could be argued that the pet should be with the person who works less taxing hours, because they’ll have more time for the pet.

• Who brought the pet into the marriage? Even though pets aren’t considered property, it may make sense to consider who has a longer-standing relationship with the pet, because this might establish a primary bond.

• Space for the pet. Different pets need different kinds of living spaces. Is one of you better equipped to provide what the pet needs in terms of space? Be ready to defend it.

• Children’s relationship with the pet. If you have children, it’s important to consider their relationship with the pet (whether positive or negative). This, of course, could impact arrangements for children as well as pets, so be sure you think this one through carefully.

The best scenario is that you, your partner and your divorce attorneys approach the pet issue with a goal of arranging an agreement outside of court, including ownership and visitation terms. This may not hold up in court, but it is likely to influence the decision if both partners agree beforehand. However, couples often disagree over pets, and fighting this out in court is something to be prepared for.

If you can’t reach an agreement, one thing to consider is what you’re willing to give up to keep your pet. In other words, you should discuss with your lawyer the possibility of exchanging property for pet ownership.

This is all relatively new territory, but it’s an important area that needs to be considered carefully before and as you wade through the joy of divorce proceedings. It’s not just about you, after all, but about this guy:

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Your Partner: The Narcissist

According to Greek myth, Narcissus was a handsome man who, upon catching a glimpse of himself in a pool of water, became obsessed with it and promptly drowned. The moral of that story–“Get over yourself”–is sure to be completely lost on narcissists, named after Narcissus for their intense and all-encompassing self-obsession; I’m sure you know one or two.

Beyond common usage, narcissism can refer to the very real, very specific Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or NPD). This is a mental disorder characterized by an overinflated sense of self-importance paired with a fragile ego. This is the person who criticizes you, but flies off the handle when you even gently suggest they have an area in which to improve. This is the person who needs constant validation and admiration. This is the person who lies to get what they want, including to gain other people’s attention and positive opinion. Sound like your partner?

Spotting a Narcissist
These are warning signs that you’re dealing with your garden-variety narcissist:

• He has an exaggerated sense of importance and entitlement.
• She’s abusive or patronizing to waiters, and blames it on having low blood sugar because she’s so hungry.
• He oversells his achievements in order to impress.
• She has unrealistic ideas about her own intelligence and/or beauty.
• He wants to be famous.
• He has bouts of depression, caused by feeling underappreciated or rejected by people who should respect him more.
• Swimsuit photos or gym photos on Instagram.
• An inordinate amount of selfies.

• She routinely selects friends who are less attractive than she is, so she can take a starring role in those relationships.
• She sees herself as an exception to basic rules of society, like not cutting people off in traffic, or not paying for anything.
• He fakes cancer.
• She fakes a pregnancy.
• He takes advantage of other people with no remorse..
• He can’t remember what’s happening with you. Your life events are not even on his radar.
• Envy and gossip are a big part of her general conversation.
• He buys you gifts on clearance and pretends he paid full price.
• She tells you how much she spends on gifts for you and other people.
• She gives you detailed accounts of her dreams, never clocking the look of polite boredom on your face.
• He creates dramatic moments of which he is the centerpiece, victim or hero.
• He has trouble enjoying and engaging in the happiness of others, for example at a wedding or when someone gets a promotion.
• Every conversation somehow turns into a conversation about him or her: his goals, her needs, his strengths, her complaints. They struggle not to talk about themselves.
• You find yourself rolling your eyes a lot.

Does any of this sound familiar? If this list rings a bell with you,

GET OUT NOW.

Why it’s horrendous to be married to this person:
Narcissistic tendencies affect a broad range of personal and interpersonal situations, including and perhaps particularly marriage. Generally people with NPD don’t seek treatment, and believe their problems–even if they continually run into the same problems over and over–are due to other people’s failings, including yours. This makes narcissists prone to cheating, conducting online affairs, and being abusive partners.

The bottom line is that narcissists don’t put the needs of others ahead of their own, making them ineffective at everything from sex to parenting. If what you’re saying can’t be reframed to be about them, they aren’t listening. They likely have unreasonable expectations of you, and they probably believe they deserve something amazing from a life partnership despite the fact that their main contribution to that partnership is bitching.

On the whole, you can expect your life to go thusly: Your narcissist will exhaust you in a cycle of emotional seduction and psychological abuse over many years, repeating the pattern until you’re so self-doubting that you can’t even consider leaving them. “I am the best you can expect to ever get,” is the relationship mode of the narcissist. “Help me, love me, admire me, need me, respect me, desire me, thank me”—these are the endless demands, voiced or unvoiced, of a narcissistic partner. Unless you’re Kimye, you don’t deserve to spend the rest of your days feeding that monster. I want to help you get the hell out, while maintaining your assets and what’s left of your dignity.

The truth is, I enjoy taking narcissists down. I’m like a superhero of sorts, with the superpower of being completely unaffected by your partner’s emotional manipulation because I have seen it all before, and I am going to help you win your divorce.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

The United States of Divorce

For a change of pace, and to brighten up your Monday: Everything you never wanted to know about your nation’s relative inability to keep relationships going!

The Facts:

1. There are 100 divorces every hour in the U.S.

2. Slightly less than 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. This number is affected by outliers with multiple marriages, however.

3. Like marriage, divorce in the United States is the province of state governments, and divorce laws vary from state to state.

4. In the US, 41% of first marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and 73 % of third marriages end in divorce.

5. The average age for couples going through their first divorce is 30 years old.

6. According to the 2011 United Nations’s Demographic Yearbook, the US had the sixth-highest divorce rate. Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova and the Cayman Islands had the top five spots in that order.

7. 2008 voter data showed that states that tend to vote Republican have higher divorce rates than states that tend to vote Democrat.

8. New York was the latest state to allow non-consensual no-fault divorce, in 2010.

9. On average, it takes about a year to complete a divorce procedure in the US.

10. A few high-profile court cases have involved children “divorcing” their parents; these are not actually divorces, but the legal emancipation of minors.

11. In 2015, the Manhattan Supreme Court ruled that Ellanora Baidoo could serve her husband divorce papers through a Facebook message, and she became the first woman to legally serve her husband divorce papers via Facebook.

12. As of 2011, for states with available data, the dissolution rates for same-sex couples are slightly lower on average than divorce rates of different-sex couples.

13. Of marriages ending in divorce, the average length is 8 years.

14. The average divorcee waits 4 years before remarrying, if they choose to remarry.

15. Approximately 73% of people with parents still married make it to their 10th anniversary.

16. 57% of people who grew up in homes where one or both parents were absent make it to their 10th anniversary.

17. A third of all U.S. divorce filings in 2011 contained the word “Facebook.”

18. According to U.S. statistics, if one partner smokes, a marriage is 75% more likely to end in divorce.

19. Statistics have shown that approximately 75% of people who marry partners from an affair eventually divorce that person.

20. People enduring more than a 45 minute commute are 40% more likely to divorce.

21. Among the occupations with the lowest divorce rates are agricultural engineers, salespeople, nuclear engineers, optometrists, clergy, and podiatrists.

22. Among the occupations with the highest divorce rates are dancers and choreographers, bartenders and massage therapists.

23. Other occupations in the top 10 include casino workers, telephone operators, and nurses.

24. The Air Force has the highest rate of divorce out of all the US military services.

25. Women initiate about two-thirds of all divorces in the US.

26. Among first marriages, 15% of men marry someone more than 6 years younger. On second marriages, this rises to 38%.

27. Less than half of U.S. children younger than 18 are currently living in a home with two married heterosexual parents in their first marriage.

28. The divorce of a friend or close relative may increase the chances that a couple will divorce.

29. New York has the lowest share of currently married adult men in the USA.

30. If you argue with your spouse about finances once a week, your marriage is 30 percent more likely to end in divorce than if you argue with your spouse about finances less frequently.

31. Couples with no assets at the beginning of a three-year period are 70 percent more likely to divorce by the end of that period than couples with $10,000 in assets.

32. If you have twins or triplets, your marriage is 17 percent more likely to end in divorce than if your children are not multiple births.

33. If you’ve been diagnosed with cervical cancer, your likelihood of getting divorced is 40 percent higher than standard rates.

34. Your likelihood of divorce is 20 percent higher if you’ve been diagnosed with testicular cancer.

35. The only US President elected after a divorce was Ronald Reagan.

36. Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander currently have the record for shortest US celebrity marriage, at 55 hours.

37. Mel and Robyn Gibson’s divorce in 2009 is considered to be the largest celebrity divorce settlement, as Mel paid his ex $425 million.

38. Among the most expensive celebrity divorces is Steven Spielberg’s settlement with Amy Irving ($100 million) and Michael Jordan’s settlement with Juanita Jordan ($168 million).

39. In general, men tend to file for divorce in January over women at a ratio of about 2 to 1.

40. The top 5 reasons for divorce include communication problems; infidelity or betrayal; financial problems; psychological, emotional, and physical abuse; and loss of interest.

41. 79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award, while only 29.6% of custodial fathers receive support.

42. Among female respondents, those with a wedding bill higher than $20,000 divorced at 3.5 times the rate of those with a $5,000-$10,000 wedding bill.

43. In recent studies it has been found that couple who meet online have a lower divorce rate and report higher levels of marital satisfaction.

44. The use of Facebook and other social networking sites is linked to increased marital dissatisfaction and increased divorce rates.

45. Among heavy social media users, 32 percent had thought about leaving their significant others, compared to 16 percent of non-social media users.

46. Couples that use individual pronouns (“I” and “you”) more often are more likely to divorce than couples who use collective pronouns (“we” and “us”).

47. Several studies have found that couples are more likely to fight after having a bad night’s sleep.

48. According to a Brigham Young University study, couples reported lower marital satisfaction when one spouse’s gaming interfered with bedtime routines, with 75% of spouses of gamers desiring more marital input from their spouses.

49. Interestingly, when both spouses gamed, a majority reported greater satisfaction in their relationships than the median.

50. A 26-year longitudinal study found that when a husband reported having a close relationship with his wife’s parents, the couple’s risk of divorce decreased by 20 percent.

51. Conversely, when a wife reported having a close relationship with her husband’s parents, the couple’s risk of divorce increased by 20 percent.

Are you sufficiently depressed yet? 

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

New York Abandons Unique Form of Torture Previously Imposed on Law School Graduates

Did you hear about this recent New York state law change this week?

New York is going to adopt a uniform bar exam used in 15 other states. I think the full headline of the article should actually have been “New York Abandon’s Unique Form of Torture Previously Imposed Upon Recent Law School Survivors – Students Rejoice – Therapists Cry Foul!

I remember, with great nostalgia, spending hours in my local Starbucks studying the intricacies of New York State Corporation Laws and obscure state specific contract issues while my friends who had gone into investment banking were busy enjoying their mid-20’s.  I knew I was going to be a divorce lawyer the day I started law school and, thus, it added insult to injury (having already suffering the indignities of the required “Federal Income Taxation” class at Fordham Law School) knowing I only needed to remember this drivel long enough to regurgitate it onto the final exam never to access it again in my chosen profession).

The uniform bar exam is more a function of attempting to “streamline” the test so that it’s easier to grade and easier to administer on a computer.

But to be fair (and candid) the bar exam is just the last in a series of hurdles they make you jump so you can put “ESQ” after your last time.  By the time you get to it – you’ve jumped so many you don’t care anymore.  I sincerely think you could make the final three months of law school the same as an episode of “Fear Factor” and 99.9% of students would have the most bored expression on their faces while chomping on bull testicles in a vat of spiders.  The whole experience of law school is designed to see how badly you want it.  Virtually nothing you learn is of any practical use in the day-to-day practice of law.

I applaud the change to the new exam (although I still think they should consider the alternative I’ve suggested).  It would be far more fun to watch and potentially less traumatic than the current bar exam format. I live two blocks from the Javitz center (where I took the bar exam 14 years ago) and still walk three blocks out of my way when heading uptown so I don’t have to walk past it.  I’ve got the same PTSD most recovering law students suffer from.  I spent two days in that center wondering if the three years prior would just be a waste because I couldn’t remember, at a specific moment in time, how to apply obscure property concepts to a question that may or may not implicate admiralty law issues.

And people ask me why I can’t go to a car show there…..

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

The Loneliest Number

For many people, one of the hardest things about divorce is the fact that you’re suddenly forced to think about yourself as a single person again—not two, not a unit, but a floater. This is terrifying to many. And I’m not going to pretend I don’t get it, because as a divorced person, I do.

Yet one of the things that surprised me most about divorce, and something I get the sense is surprising to a variety of people I’ve counseled through divorces, is just how NOT horrible it is to be an individual again. This is probably especially true if your ball and chain has been making you miserable for a period of months, years or even decades. The experience of being a single unit again can be like the lifting of a giant angry albatross from around your long-embattled neck, and yes, I want you to picture the albatross. If you don’t know what one is, here you go:

This was your marriage*.

Now you get to be single again.

Some people say that being single again is a chance to improve yourself: lose that spare tire you gained since getting married, for example. I challenge you to do exactly the opposite of this: DO NOT IMPROVE YOURSELF. You have probably spent the last x number of years of your life adapting yourself in various ways to a person and a relationship that did not pay off, and you’re probably tired. I say, sleep in. Bathe if and when you feel like it, provided you aren’t smelly at work. Clean up when you feel like it. In short, be who you are, which may look something like this:

Relatedly, you can now do things with your time that interest you and only you. Possibly you don’t even remember what that means. If this is the case, FIND OUT WHAT INTERESTS YOU. Maybe it’s building model airplanes. Maybe it’s brewing wasabi- flavored beer. Maybe there’s something you wanted to try but never did, like rock climbing or hiking a small section of the Appalachian Trail so you can post Instagram photos of it. Whatever floats your proverbial boat, you can now do it. You have the right to do this and you don’t have to ask permission:

I remember when I first got divorced, many years ago, and had to decide what kind of couch I wanted for my living room. In all candor, I hadn’t considered that question in years as my ex-wife always enjoyed decorating every place we lived. What kind of couch did I want in my living room? The question itself felt odd and liberating. I enjoyed figuring out the answer in the weeks that followed.

Going through a divorce is crappy, and I assume if you’re reading this that your marriage is or was crappy. But one lovely effect of divorce is that it allows you to be an independent human being again, with individual concerns and interests and goals, and this, my friends, is not crappy.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Who Gets the Friends?

In the aftermath of your divorce, when the stuff has been divided up, the kids are basically adjusted to the custody agreement and the dog has stopped pooping in your closet to punish you for moving, there remains one of the most important questions of your new life:

Who gets to keep your mutual friends?

In all likelihood, your friends will each pretend that they’re neutral, and maybe even try to actually be neutral. However, much like parents with their kids, everyone has a favorite whether they admit it or not. I know what I’m talking about not only because I’m a divorcee but also because I was very decidedly not my parents’ favorite. (...There may be a connection.) But because your friends, unlike your dog, actually have some choice in the matter, you have two roads available to you in how you handle this: the high road, and the low road.

The high road is handling things graciously. You tell your friends you know this is a difficult time for everyone, that their support is appreciated but not expected, and that you completely understand if they feel awkward about choosing between you and your ex-spouse. The bottom line: They don’t have to choose (yes they do). You won’t hold it against them in any case (yes you will). Taking the high road means saying the right thing, relieving the pressure on your friends that your divorce is probably putting on them, and knowing that some of them will become, not so much friends, as people you see sometimes when your kids play together; you know, people you say “Oh, we should get together” but don’t really mean it. Taking the high road means taking a hit socially so that everyone can save face.

Your other option is the low road. The low road is political. It’s about using the ample ammunition you undoubtedly have against your ex-partner to ensure your social life doesn’t die with your marriage. While I don’t necessarily condone this approach, under certain circumstances you may be entitled to feel like you “deserve” the friends—particularly if you’ve been egregiously wronged—in which case, nobody can stop you from being cutthroat. (Who am I kidding, I’m a lawyer. This is totally what I would do.) The low road means potentially burning bridges (“I will not forgive you if you choose her over me”) and being okay with that. It also means that things are going to be fairly awkward when you run into ex-friends, but maybe this is a small price to pay, depending on your temperament.

There is, of course, a final, third, weird option: you circumvent the entire problem by staying friends with your ex-spouse. This is something I’ve seen a few people actually do with success, but those who do it appear to save themselves a good deal of misery. If you can manage this one—and let’s face it, you’re probably pretending—it will likely pay dividends, because you will be able to (eventually) hang out in the same room without making everyone incredibly uncomfortable, and your friends will probably be more likely to tolerate the divorce and keep you both.

Of course, that’s just my opinion.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

15 Things You Might Not Know: Child Custody Law in New York State

If you’re considering a divorce in New York and you have children, it will be important for you to understand the legality around child custody. To that end, I’ve compiled an overview of the basics. For a more in-depth look at your particular situation, please feel free to contact me to discuss.

Child Custody Law in New York State

For New York courts to have jurisdiction on your case, the child must have lived in New York for the past six months. If the child is younger than six months, he or she must have been born in New York (except under extenuating circumstances).

Neither parent has a preferred right to custody of their children in New York.  If there is no custody order, either parent can keep the child with him or her. If the case goes to court, the custody decision must be made in the “best interests of the child.”

Either parent can apply for custody in Family Court. You can attempt to get custody in Supreme Court after divorce proceedings have begun, but you may only have one case ongoing at a time.

The status of “primary caretaker” of the child is likely to be important in making decisions regarding custody.

The parent who has physical custody of the child when the custody application is made to the court may have an advantage in the courts.

The court can consider where the child wants to live, but does not have to follow the child's wishes. The older a child is, the more a court will consider his or her wishes.

Parents may share joint legal custody in New York. The court usually will give custody to only one parent if parents are not able to cooperate.

Custody or visitation can be changed if there is a significant change of circumstances that affect the child’s interests.

If the parent who has custody of the child wants to move, he or she may need to get permission from the court. Alternately, the other parent can apply to the court for an order that prevents the move or changes visitation.

If the parents were never married, and the parents never signed an “Acknowledgment of Paternity,” the father has no custody or visitation rights. To apply for custody and visitation, he must first legally establish paternity.

If you have a custody order and the other parent takes the child from you or won’t return the child from a visit then the other parent could be arrested for kidnapping. He or she could also be charged with interfering with your custody.

The parent who does not have custody of the child can almost always get “frequent and meaningful” visitation. Visitation rights will only be denied if visitation is deemed to be harmful to the child in some way.

A lack of payment of child support is not sufficient means to refuse visitation. It can, however, lead to the non-paying parent to go to jail.

Court-ordered visitation cannot be refused unless it is believed that it would put your child in danger.

Half-siblings and grandparents can apply for visitation rights, although the court isn’t obligated to grant these.

While this covers the basics of New York child custody law, it’s highly likely that you will benefit by seeking legal counsel on these matters. If you’d like to discuss your particular situation, please feel free to contact me.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

'Til Conscious Uncoupling Do Us Part

Around this time last year, I tuned into celebrity gossip for a brief moment when I heard about Gwyneth Paltrow’s grave announcement that she and her husband were divorcing—or to put it more Gwyneth-ly, “consciously uncoupling.” She released a statement about this, along with an explanation of conscious uncoupling from a guru, on her website Goop. This was put alongside equally realistic Goop items, like her exploration of the healing powers of “moon juice” and “spirit truffles.” (Surely those aren’t included in the “food stamp challenge” she recently attempted. Hey, at least we're talking about it... But, I digress.)

By the end of the day I received phone calls and emails from, literally, dozens of my friends and family members asking if I had heard about this “new” way of divorcing. It was difficult to suppress the combination yawn/gag inspired by Ms. Paltrow’s missive.

I’ve devoted my life’s work to helping couples, eh, “uncouple,” so absolutely no judgment from me on that front. Divorces for everyone! You will get no complaints from me. Though I did have to raise an eyebrow at the statement “We have always conducted our relationship privately”; indeed, so privately that Goop.com got so much traffic after this was posted that it crashed! Well played, Gwyneth P.

In all seriousness, I’m sure Gwyneth Paltrow is a perfectly likable person in real life, and probably even a regular human woman, rather than a floating ethereal aura. Her brand has done well, and maybe she really has brought happiness to many, through her outreach via expensive candles. And if renaming divorce makes us feel better, then so be it. (I should possibly add a “Conscious Uncoupling” section to my website.)

The idea of a ‘friendly divorce’ has been around for a long time. My firm gets a lot of press for our “take no prisoners” aggressive approach when the situation requires it - but we resolve countless divorces each year by simple discussions and friendly negotiations. I love a good fight (what can I say - it’s a side effect of being good at fighting) but I love a happy client more. That’s why I, and all good divorce lawyers, will always work hard to give you a divorce that looks more like a “conscious uncoupling” than a “War of the Roses”. We’ve been doing that for years. There’s nothing “new” about being friendly to someone you’re going to have to see at your children’s weddings someday. This is simply a new term for a very old concept (and GP didn’t come up with it - a therapist named Katherine Woodward Thomas did - a bunch of years earlier).

I feel I need to say, though, that one of the things I have learned in my particular line of work is that uncoupling is not generally done while anyone is unconscious. For legal reasons I think it’s important for everyone to understand this--you can’t divorce anyone who is unconscious so congratulations - You, too, have reached the G.P. level of sophistication we all previously thought was impossible.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Spring Clean Your Crappy Life

In my capacity as your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I just want to extend my encouragement and support as we all emerge from the depths of winter and our collective sweatpants phase, into the light of day! Spring is now fully upon us, and excuses have run out for not getting our proverbial sh*t together. In the spirit of Spring renewal and fresh beginnings, I offer you the following.

You’re not fat, you’re just well-rested.

Much like the bears of the forest, you have had a nice long rest during the winter months, and you have grown extra cuddly in the process. Drag yourself out of the cave, my friend, and onto a treadmill.

“Snooze” is only okay the first three times.

Short winter days make it nigh impossible to get out of bed before 9 am, but those dark times are gone. Try setting the alarm for 7, or maybe even 6! Have a power shake for breakfast! Do a sit-up! But whatever you do, do not hit snooze again.

Get a mentor, role model or anyone else you can annoy with admiration and mild stalking.*

My first suggestion for a role model for anyone is always Gwyneth Paltrow, especially if you need inspiration in the form of expensive candles or "conscious" anything. Failing that, I recommend your mailman and/or your high school gym teacher.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, (WO)MAN!

Clean behind the toilet. Brush your hair. I don’t think I need to explain this one. You know who you are.

Get divorced!

This is where I come in. Frankly I’m more productive now than any other time of the year, so you should really get in there while the getting’s good. And as we all know, spring is the best season to get divorced; you’ll have the whole summer to get over it before next year’s winter self-reflection period comes around.

Let’s face it, your life could be a lot less crappy. I urge you to move forward and into spring with a spring (heh) in your step! Sweep out the cobwebs, folks, and with them, your crappy spouse.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

*Fine print: Stalking is not something I seriously advise. I stand by everything else.

Get Divorced Like a Real Housewife

As I’m sure you already know, the seventh season of the masterpiece Real Housewives of New York (#RHONY to those in the know) premieres this evening on Bravo.

Perhaps it surprises you that this is one of my favorite shows. Hardly a guilty pleasure, I have watched Real Housewives for five glorious years of pinot-drinking, catfighting madness. It bespeaks my values with gems like “I was so mad I almost ran her down in my Ferrari” and “I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.” Oh, and classic wisdom: “You work hard, you give a lot of love, and you end up at the White House.” Words to live by.

The Real Housewives have also done their part to keep my industry afloat, with a whopping 33% of the couples on the show getting divorced, and no end in sight. And they do it with style - if you think you’ve got divorce figured out, you don’t. The RHONY wives are the people you want to take notes from. Here’s how to get divorced like they do.*

1. Leading up to your divorce, air your dirty laundry to anybody who will listen.

2. Get plastic surgery as a coping mechanism.

3. Get drunk, get loud, and storm out of a restaurant.

4. Put on a lot of mascara and then cry on someone’s shirt.

5. Go to a club.

6. Go to the Hamptons to blow off steam. Throw something at someone there.

7. Date someone old (with money).

8. Date someone fat (with money).

9. Date someone who doesn’t have money and then giggle about it over cocktails.

10. After your divorce, write a book in which you air your dirty laundry to anybody who will read it.

11. Go to a club.

12. Develop adult-onset asthma so that people will pay attention to you.

13. Be loudly and self-righteously offended AT ANYONE AT ANY TIME. It’s your right.

14. Sue someone for a book they’re writing that makes allusions to your dirty laundry.

15. Have a lot of “turtle time”.*

16. Make up a catch phrase that doesn’t work, because you’re middle-aged.

17. Tell people to “be cool.”

18. Go to a club.

19. Flirt inappropriately.

20. Consider having another baby.

Right, time for me to break out the Kit Kats and SkinnyGirl Sweet’Rita, RHONY is waiting. Mazel tov.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton