Six Ideas For an Awesome Divorce Party

In recent years the idea of having a “divorce party” has come into fashion, so I thought I’d give my two cents on the subject.

First of all, what is a Divorce Party? While it seems that perhaps divorce is something sad, in fact a large number of the newly divorced are finding it a worthwhile reason to go out with their friends and get totally empowered. We’re talking empowered to the point at which it’s difficult to walk in a straight line or even stand up.

While the divorce party can apparently take many forms, universally among internet websites about divorce parties it’s said to be a cathartic experience, in which the newly divorced are so distracted from their pain by the presence of strippers, cake, and/or the song “Survivor” playing in the background, that the pain feels—at least momentarily—expunged.

The aptly-named suggests getting oneself a divorce party theme such as “Butterfly” (to emphasise transformation), “Naughty Girl” (to highlight freedom from marital monogamy) or “Lemons” (to emphasize one’s ability to, as they say, make lemonade). I would here like to present some alternative options.

1. Jaws. 
A Jaws-themed divorce party is sure to excite, while also reminding you and your guests that, while you may have just suffered a huge grief-inducing loss, it could be worse: you could have had your arm chewed off by a giant mechanical shark.

2. Brownies and Beer. 
This theme involves people showing their support in the form of alcohol, baked goods, and a total absence of conversation about anything health- or fitness-related for the duration.

3. Sweatpants.
The sweatpants theme provides a dress code for you and your guests that smacks of comfort, relaxation, and post-divorce rest. It also saves you from having to change out of your current uniform.

4. Therapy Fundraiser.
A useful alternative to drinking your life savings away, the Therapy Fundraiser gives your friends the opportunity to show they care about your long-term mental health by donating to your Therapy Fund.

5. Go to Las Vegas.
Less a theme than a directive, this needs very little explanation, I would think, as Vegas itself is essentially one giant divorce party. The main drawback of going to Vegas to celebrate your divorce is that you do run the risk of celebrating yourself right back into marriage if you’re not careful, but this time with a relative stranger or, worse, a good friend. If this happens, call me.

6. Go Away, I’m Depressed.

The most honest of divorce party themes, this is for those who don’t actually want to have a divorce party at all, but have been harangued into it by their well-meaning yet clueless friends.

As your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I’ll add the disclaimer here that, whatever the theme of your divorce party, it’s probably best to wait until your divorce is signed and sealed before you celebrate. It’s also worth saying that for this particular occasion you might be safest to avoid filming, photographing, and/or drunk texting at whatever cost.

James J. Sexton

Get Divorced Like a Real Housewife

As I’m sure you already know, the seventh season of the masterpiece Real Housewives of New York (#RHONY to those in the know) premieres this evening on Bravo.

Perhaps it surprises you that this is one of my favorite shows. Hardly a guilty pleasure, I have watched Real Housewives for five glorious years of pinot-drinking, catfighting madness. It bespeaks my values with gems like “I was so mad I almost ran her down in my Ferrari” and “I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.” Oh, and classic wisdom: “You work hard, you give a lot of love, and you end up at the White House.” Words to live by.

The Real Housewives have also done their part to keep my industry afloat, with a whopping 33% of the couples on the show getting divorced, and no end in sight. And they do it with style - if you think you’ve got divorce figured out, you don’t. The RHONY wives are the people you want to take notes from. Here’s how to get divorced like they do.*

  1. Leading up to your divorce, air your dirty laundry to anybody who will listen.

  2. Get plastic surgery as a coping mechanism.

  3. Get drunk, get loud, and storm out of a restaurant.

  4. Put on a lot of mascara and then cry on someone’s shirt.

  5. Go to a club.

  6. Go to the Hamptons to blow off steam. Throw something at someone there.

  7. Date someone old (with money).

  8. Date someone fat (with money).

  9. Date someone who doesn’t have money and then giggle about it over cocktails.

  10. After your divorce, write a book in which you air your dirty laundry to anybody who will read it.

  11. Go to a club.

  12. Develop adult-onset asthma so that people will pay attention to you.

  13. Be loudly and self-righteously offended AT ANYONE AT ANY TIME. It’s your right.

  14. Sue someone for a book they’re writing that makes allusions to your dirty laundry.

  15. Have a lot of “turtle time”.*

  16. Make up a catch phrase that doesn’t work, because you’re middle-aged.

  17. Tell people to “be cool.”

  18. Go to a club.

  19. Flirt inappropriately.

  20. Consider having another baby.

Right, time for me to break out the Kit Kats and SkinnyGirl Sweet’Rita, RHONY is waiting. Mazel tov.


James J. Sexton