Smarttess: The Mattress to End All ... Marriages?

Do you remember that movie Real Genius?

Let me refresh your memory: a bunch of stuff happens involving a young Val Kilmer, and a weirdo called Lazlo whose super genius inventions, intended for good, are instead being used for evil. Lazlo has a breakdown. Then there’s a pool party scene. Where am I going with this?

Well, there’s most likely a real-life Lazlo hiding out in some kid’s closet, post-breakdown, because his or her brilliant advancements in doohickies and whathaveyous led to THIS masterpiece of the 21st century: an adultery detecting mattress.

Smarttress is covered in special sensors that detect ~movement~ and send word to the owner’s smartphone that something is happening on that Orwellian bed. Is this less or more creepy than people who use nanny cameras? Little bit better but also a little bit worse, right?

I assume the purchaser is keeping the high tech component of the mattress a secret from their partner, as, if the partner also knew they’d just have adulterous sex, like, anywhere else. If you’re so suspicious your partner is cheating on you to the point that you’re investing in an A-HA CAUGHT YOU! mattress, why not save a couple of thousand dollars and just, I don’t know, confront them about your suspicions? Or get medical help for your crippling paranoia?

Whatever the case, when your marriage crumbles from the actual adultery, or the accusation of adultery, or the discovery that you bought an adultery detecting mattress, let me handle your divorce!


James J. Sexton

20 Excuses That Aren't Going to Fly In Light of the Ashley Madison Breach

It’s been a stressful Monday for a lot of approximately 37 million folks out there and we’re not just talking about the usual #manicmonday craziness – We’re talking about oh-god-everything-is-going-to-go-down-the-tubes stressful. It’s a whole different level.

We imagine many have been racking their brains with excuses to give if The Impact Team decides to go ahead and spill “all customer records, including profiles with all the customers’ secret sexual fantasies and matching credit card transactions, real names and addresses, and employee documents and emails”.

We’re not sure what you should say if you’ve found yourself in such a predicament but here are 20 things you definitely should not say. You’re welcome.

1. I thought it was a baby names website.
2. I was undercover writing an investigative expose.
3. I was trying to get to the Ashley Madekwe fan site. I got really into the first season of Revenge while you were out of town. I just wanted to show Ashley and the whole Revenge cast my support.
4. I signed up to make sure you weren’t a member. You passed the test!
5. What is this “internet” you speak of, I am not familiar.
6. I was looking for a Billy Madison fan page – You KNOW I love Adam Sandler. I celebrate his whole catalog.
7. Wow! Sorry! The married people on the radio ad really reacted WAY cooler than you are about this.
8. I saw all the photos and thought it was a fashion blog for middle-aged people with no heads.
9. I was trying to improve my golf game. I googled “how to swing” and it just came up.
10. I felt like sleeping with our neighbor would be boorish and this seemed more considerate.
11. I was looking for a new babysitter! … Do they not offer that?
12. I thought I was doing you a favor!
13. That wasn’t me who signed up – That was drunk me.
14. Wait, you mean you’re not one of the 37 million on it?
15. … Hall pass?
16. I thought this was the sexier version of TaskRabbit.
17. So, you’re telling me we weren’t on a break?
18. But all our married friends are on here!
19. We always cheat on our taxes – Is this really so different?
20. Well, I guess they delivered – I’m screwed.

And if you need legal advice, you know who to call.

James Sexton

Ashley Madison Hack: Bad News For Cheaters, Good News For Divorce Lawyers

Did you have a good weekend? It was hot here in New York City, one of those weekends where you don’t want to move an inch. Hey, quick question. Did you use to cheat on your spouse? Oh, you did. Hey, did you see the news this morning? No? Rushing to get out of the house, huh? We’ve all had those mornings. So, about Ashley Madison, I’ve got some bad news…

Krebs on Security is reporting that Ashley Madison has been hacked and 37 million users have had their data compromised. Not good for any of you who embraced AM’s motto “Life is short. Have an affair.” Perhaps it’s time to modify that slogan to “Life is short. Have an affair. Get a good divorce lawyer. You should probably monitor your credit closely for a while.”

A hacker group called “The Impact Team” is allegedly holding the data hostage, threatening to release all sorts of details that could ruin marriages, embarrass users and lead to identity theft. According to the Krebs article, AM CEO Noel Biderman confirmed the hack. He told Krebs “We’re not denying this happened,” which incidentally might be a great way to break your affair news to your spouse.

If “The Impact Team” does release the data who knows how many hearts will be broken. But one thing’s for sure, us lawyers have a busy autumn coming up.


James Sexton