Do you remember that movie Real Genius?
Let me refresh your memory: a bunch of stuff happens involving a young Val Kilmer, and a weirdo called Lazlo whose super genius inventions, intended for good, are instead being used for evil. Lazlo has a breakdown. Then there’s a pool party scene. Where am I going with this?
Well, there’s most likely a real-life Lazlo hiding out in some kid’s closet, post-breakdown, because his or her brilliant advancements in doohickies and whathaveyous led to THIS masterpiece of the 21st century: an adultery detecting mattress.
Smarttress is covered in special sensors that detect ~movement~ and send word to the owner’s smartphone that something is happening on that Orwellian bed. Is this less or more creepy than people who use nanny cameras? Little bit better but also a little bit worse, right?
I assume the purchaser is keeping the high tech component of the mattress a secret from their partner, as, if the partner also knew they’d just have adulterous sex, like, anywhere else. If you’re so suspicious your partner is cheating on you to the point that you’re investing in an A-HA CAUGHT YOU! mattress, why not save a couple of thousand dollars and just, I don’t know, confront them about your suspicions? Or get medical help for your crippling paranoia?
Whatever the case, when your marriage crumbles from the actual adultery, or the accusation of adultery, or the discovery that you bought an adultery detecting mattress, let me handle your divorce!
James J. Sexton